10 Ways You Can Start Being More Vulnerable

She brings subjects like shame and vulnerability into the public arena. And while she has so many phenomenal quotes on vulnerability, this is the one that speaks the loudest to me: “Vulnerability is not knowing victory or defeat, it’s understanding the necessity of both; it’s engaging. It’s being all in.” I assert that the traits necessary for being vulnerable are some of the same characteristics that are required for you to have a life that you LOVE. And I am all about having a life that you LOVE. I am pretty much an over-the-top fan of LOVE in any capacity. Love your friends, love your family, love what you do, love your life and everything in it. Or at least as much as you can. You might not be able to remove some people or things in your life, but you can still have a pretty happy and joyous life. Trust me. I know. Vulnerability is critical.

Why Is Vulnerability Scary?

If vulnerability is so crucial, why do so many people avoid it? It’s scary. For the majority of human beings we are simply not wired to be vulnerable. We have had too many hurts, wounds, and bad experiences to walk around with our hearts wide open to the world. To be vulnerable does mean taking a risk that you will be rejected for who you are. I understand that all too well. In order to have vulnerability, you have to be okay with rejection. This is hard to accept, but will certainly allow you to be around people who love you for who you are – with all of your imperfections. As well, you will be able to know your friends and family for who they are. Not what they do. Not what they have. Just who they are as human beings. Here are more reasons why we avoid vulnerability.

Top Reasons Why We Avoid Being Vulnerable

1. Fear of getting hurt.
2. Fear of being used or exploited.
3. Fear of rejection.
4. Fear of being judged as less than or inferior.
5. Fear of being laughed at or ridiculed.
6. Feelings of shame or embarrassment.
7. Incomplete with a past experience or event.
8. Being stuck.
9. Feelings of inadequacy or worthlessness.
10. Fear of losing your money or assets. * Addressed below*

There is no question that if you open your heart, you might get hurt, used, or exploited. It’s possible you could be rejected, judged, laughed at or ridiculed. Some people are not who they say they are – even if you meet them through someone you know and even sometimes if they are highly recommended by someone you know. Some people just never let you know who they really are, which is one of the risks you take. You have to weigh the benefits of vulnerability with the risks. You have to consider what you want in your life. If you want love and friendships, then that involves some risk. It’s even possible that you could lose your money or assets. However, in this day in age pre-nuptial agreements and other legally binding contracts are made to prevent you from losing your money and assets. I just happen to be of the opinion that this fear is extremely reasonable and is one that can and should be handled by a pre-nuptial, legally binding agreement. I know that some of you can and will disagree with my stance on this, which is fine. It happens all the time that both men and women lose significant amounts of money and assets due to relationships gone bad, and for that reason alone it’s reasonable to handle that fear with a legal document. I would have serious questions about anyone unwilling to sign a pre-nuptial or other legally binding document handing the protections of either party’s assets. Why would you not want to protect someone else’s money or assets? I say that having lost significant money in prior relationships, so I might be biased.

Cautionary Tale

I can’t write about being vulnerable without making some mention of con men and women, predators, narcissists and psychopaths. They do exist in our society: 1 out of 100 people fit the bill for psychopaths with many more being con artists, predators and narcissists. Even when you do your due diligence and meet people through friends or business contacts, you might have the great misfortune of getting involved with a con artist, a predator, a narcissist or God forbid – a full blown psychopath. It happens to people of all professions and walks of life. Full blown psychopaths can be dangerous. This isn’t to scare you, but encourage all of us to have more understanding about psychopaths. Education is power and can prevent you from falling victim. The premier expert in psychopaths Dr. Robert Hare, a Canadian psychologist, developed what is called “The Psychopath Checklist” (PCL). The Psychopath Checklist was later refined into the Psychopath Checklist-Revised (PCL-R) and sometime later a screening version was released known as the Psychopath Checklist-Screening Version (PCL-SV). Dr. Hare’s PCL-R and PCL-SV are the gold standard as a diagnostic tool for psychopaths according to research. I found the PCL-R and PCL-SV online when I was researching psychopaths a few years ago. I found it extremely helpful as a layperson to see a copy of these tools. I used the PCL-SV to score a person I was dealing with. That person got just below a perfect score on the test. Above a certain test score means an increased likelihood of violence. If you are dealing with a person who you suspect could be or might be a psychopath, look up the PCL-SV or PCL-R online. We should all understand the criteria of what makes up a psychopath, in the case that our vulnerability leads to us meeting someone with ill intent. What is important is that when you do the work on yourself, you do not have to end up with your spirit crushed. Even though what I have been through is horrific in every way and was extremely painful, I am a better person for what I have been through. I STILL choose to be vulnerable. Why? Because the benefits to feeling love and being able to give and receive love are too extraordinary for me to pass up. Here are the benefits to vulnerability that make it extremely valuable and impossible to not work on.

Benefits of Being Vulnerable

1. It’s the one thing that will help you get more LOVE in your life both romantic and platonic.
2. It makes it easier to make instant connections with people.
3. It makes it easier to develop deeper and more meaningful relationships because it’s the foundation of intimacy.
4. Freedom – if you have the ability to be vulnerable then you have the practices, habit, and characteristics to be more freed up in life and have LESS anxiety, fear, and worry.
5. It’s a very powerful way to live life.
6. You will have more friends because of #2 and #3 above.
7. You will have better health because you will have less anxiety, fear, and worry.
8. You will have a stronger sense of peace.
9. You will experience less loneliness because of #1, #2, #3, and #6.
10. It can change your life in an extremely positive way.
11. You will feel more connected.
12. You will feel deep love and intimacy.
13. You will feel more happy and alive.
14. People will be drawn to you for your vulnerability.
15. It’s definitely way more fun to be authentic, open and real.

When I looked up the definition for vulnerability and vulnerable – I would run too if I wasn’t so clear about the absolutely compelling benefits of vulnerability and the gifts it gives me in my everyday life. The definition of vulnerable as an adjective is to be susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm. The definition of vulnerability, a noun, is the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed either physically or emotionally. Is it any wonder that people flee the scene when it comes to being vulnerable?

How to Be More Vulnerable

Now that you know the benefits of being vulnerable, find out how you can start building the characteristics of vulnerable people.

1. Gain self-confidence/self-esteem.

Be clear about who you are in the world without apology.

2. Be open.

3. Have the ability to laugh at yourself.

4. Banish perfectionism.

There’s no room for perfectionism if you are living a real and authentic life. In practicing self-love and self-acceptance you can be more comfortable sharing yourself with others.

5. Be courageous and brave.

It’s an act of courage and bravery to be vulnerable UNTIL you grow and develop yourself to the point where it is a natural expression of who you are.

6. Stop caring too much about what others think of you.

7. Have compassion for yourself and others.

8. Have empathy for others.

Being able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes is an act of vulnerability. We all want to be loved and appreciated. We all have hurts, wounds and pain. We are all doing the best that we can. When you come from a place of the human condition, it seems to me that it takes a lot of pressure off of you.

9. Practice authenticity – the ability to be the real you.

Bit by bit, give yourself opportunities to open up a little and practice being vulnerable with people in your life. The more you work on yourself the easier it will be to allow yourself to be vulnerable.

10. BE PRESENT.

You can’t be authentic and real if you are not present. Being present is an important ability or trait for living an amazing life. Be in the moment. Be here now!

11. Trust yourself and others (to a point).

12. Build your self-esteem.

Anything you do to increase your self-esteem will go a long way to helping you become more vulnerable.

13. Practice self-care.

This will help you to look and feel better.

14. Be Focused on Your Life.

If you spend your time and energy on your life and making it the best life possible you will not care nearly as much about what other people think or say about you. Drive your life fully and completely and a great deal of issues and problems will resolve themselves. Take on the practice and habits that give you a life that you love in time management, planning your life, having fun, making friends and pretty much everything that I blog about.

15.Try doing new things.

This builds the muscles of courage and overcoming fears.

Concluding Thoughts

You want a life filled with love, joy, happiness and freedom. You want to feel alive and connected. You want to have an easier time in life. Vulnerability can help you get there. How guarded or vulnerable are you as you go through life? Are you willing to take a chance in life – take a calculated risk – for all of the benefits that feeling love, having friends or a romantic relationship has to offer you? I assert that if you do the work to have self-confidence, be open to life, drop the need for perfection, be able to laugh at yourself, be present, and have compassion for yourself and others that you would find being vulnerable not as difficult. If you do the work to have those traits or characteristics, perhaps being vulnerable will start to come easy. It could become a natural expression of who you are in the world. Where are you with being vulnerable? Can you do it? Are you willing to be vulnerable? What is stopping you? How can I help you? Let me know! Love, Lisa